Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
