dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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