Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
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