i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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