Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
