There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
