All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
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