I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
