i think i have two assholes
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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