Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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