Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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