It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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