Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
