Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
