Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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