My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
