so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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