Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I think I sprained my soul last night
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
