I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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