Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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