If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
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we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
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You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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