his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
