You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
