The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
