She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
