This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
