the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
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Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
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If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
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