Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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