I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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