I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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