listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
