If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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