at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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