the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
