When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
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You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
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Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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