dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
