grandma shit on top of the toilet
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
