I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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