my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
