Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
