Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
The Olympian is in my bed
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
