hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
