why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
