im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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