dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
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Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
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I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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