WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
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