My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
