it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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