this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
