I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
