It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
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So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
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Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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