He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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