she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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