Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I need water and some morals
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