you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
