I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
