____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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