Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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